In a quiet moment, weeks after the play ended, we had an opportunity to discuss his prior attendance at the Children’s Divorce Support Group. I asked Ross four basic questions regarding his experience with the group:

1.  What he liked most about the Childrens’ Divorce Support Group? 

What Ross liked most was the connection with other people his age and to know that others were going through the same thing. Ross said divorce can bring about a huge sense of isolation and as such it is nice to be amongst people who are going through identical types of stress. Although the group had also established a telephone list for the children to stay in contact; Ross, being a self starter and natural born self-actualizer, did not use the list, but said it was both comforting and reassuring to know it was available in the event he needed it.

I next asked Ross:

2.  What he retained and/or used from the group?

Ross said the group taught him how to reach out and talk to other children experiencing the same difficulties through their parents’ divorce. It provided him insightful information, about what he didn’t own in the divorce, that the group gave him a sense of family unity and taught him coping mechanisms which helped him better process what he was going through. His parents’ divorce was “pretty big” for Ross, and the group helped him understand why his parents would not, or could not, be together again. Ross told me the group provided him some “big truths” which allowed him to alter his perception, and fine tune his foresight, because there had been issues in his parents’ marriage that had been “eating away at him for years”.

Ross is, today, a very mature, responsible young adult in spite of the fact that often, he has been on his own or has had to “fend for himself”. Fortunately, Ross is also blessed with some loyal relatives who are available for Ross to turn to if need be.

Finally, I asked Ross if he would ever recommend a group like this to a friend and why?

3. He said definitely. When Ross recently shared his true feelings with me about how the Children’s Divorce Support Group had been a “life saver” and had changed his life and future, it not only warmed my heart, but brought tears to my eyes. I was so relieved for Ross; there were so many issues on the table that Ross had had to deal with as a child. Ross enlightened me he had been going through something terrible in his parents’ marriage at least once a year, for almost nine years, and although he suffered some trauma, he still believes that the Childrens’ Divorce Support Group helped him immensely. He said there was a lot of information kept secret from him during his parents’ divorce, but through the group he learned that, ultimately, whatever was going on (no matter its outcome) he was not responsible for the end of his parents’ marriage and that adults need to “own” their own adult problems.

Finally, I asked Ross if there was anything he might like to add about the Chidrens’ Divorce Support Group.

Ross told me that the Childrens’ Divorce Support Group saved his life. Not only do I feel extremely honored that I was able to help him, I wonder if Ross truly knows the depth to which he has positively affected my life as well? I hope Ross will always be a part of my life and I, fortunate enough to always be, a part of his. As young as he was, I believe because Ross received both the support, intervention and subsequent follow-up assistance from the proper professionals, he came to realize that no matter what he did, there was nothing he could do to repair what had transpired, that the divorce was in no way his fault, and ultimately he learned to let it go.

As Ross left my house that day, my ex husband’s little girl was hiding shyly outside the back door waiting for my daughter. I introduced Ross to her on the way out and rather than shaking her little hand, he leaned over and kissed her on the top of her head. I was so in awe to see that in spite of the fact that Ross had had every reason to be bitter, he wasn’t and what a fine, young man he had become. I know that in spite of what Ross has been through he will be a great parent. He has come up against some really difficult obstacles, yet continues to strive, thrive, and move forward.

Often, our children simply need their perceptions validated. To that end, Ross, please know: you withstood a heck of a test, but you passed with “flying colors”!  I know, I see that in the man you have become today.

Reuniting with Ross, recently, brought this writer a huge sense of peace to know that Ross had overcome a traumatic time in his life. While he shared with me that he is still dealing with some issues, he assured me that he now knows what he does and doesn’t, own. I feel very blessed to have had such an impact upon Ross’s life. I am very proud of this dynamic young man who has struggled and overcome some significant psychosocial stressors that weren’t his to own in the first place. Mostly, I hope Ross is proud of himself; because, he should be and that he continues to believe in himself and knows, too, that only he determines his limitations in life.

To the Counselors and Facilitators reading this column: Never think that what you do or say has no impression or impact upon other people’s lives. It mostly certainly does. If there is ever a time you need to intervene and make a “judgment call”: even if it means “going out on a limb” - follow your instincts. That’s why we have them: God doesn’t call the equipped, he equips the called.

To the former members of the Childrens’ Divorce Support Group, and for those children trying to process their parents’ divorce as I write: Always remember, the 7 C’s by Jerry Moe:

The 7 C’s:

I didn’t Cause it.

I can’t Control it.

I can’t Cure it.

But I can learn to take Care of myself, by:

Communicating my feelings.

Making healthy Choices and

Celebrating me!

I would like to thank Ross for his time and honesty regarding the benefits of the Childrens’ Divorce Support Group, and his father, Ray and Legal Guardian, Gail for affording both Ross and me the opportunity of conducting this interview.